Chewing on the Lessons

Now to begin explaining how I got from there to here.

God loves me absolutely and unconditionally. And extravagantly! A whole mountain of love just for me? If that isn't extravagant, what is?

Wait a minute. I had been cursing God, I can't say I hated God but for sure I didn't like Him very much, yet there I was, placing myself in His power, saying, "Whether I live or die, it's Your decision." No wonder I hesitated! What would any of us do in such a situation? If God is as angry and judgmental and vindictive as we have been taught, wouldn't He have zapped me for good? Instead of doing that, He handed me my life back to me on a silver platter.

Why me? Not, why did I have to get so sick, but why does God love me so much? What am I to God? What is special about me?

The answer to that one, frankly, is: NOTHING AT ALL!

So what does that mean? Is it possible that God loves everyone the way He loves me? I am unique, and in that respect I am special to God, but if God loves everyone the way He loves me, there is nothing to recommend me. Nothing at all.

So the first thing I realized was that God does, indeed, love everyone the way He loves me. Sometimes that is hard to face. After 9/11 I struggled with it, because if God loves everyone the way He loves me, then He loves those men who hijacked the airplanes and flew them into the towers. There's no getting away from that. He loves Hitler and Stalin the same way He loves you and me. I still struggle with it, but there is no other way. Either God loves all of us, or God doesn't.

Along with that came the realization that I now desired to have an intimate personal relationship with God. No, not desired, itched to. Ached to! I have explored quite a few things since then, each with the hope that it would bring me closer to God. And they have done so.

Again, am I special? Well, we already know the answer to that one. Then could it be that God desires to have an intimate personal relationship with each of us? Why not? He loves each of us. Wouldn't it be natural for God to desire relationship with each of us?

But then the earthquakes began. This love is absolute. This love is unconditional. What does that say about Jesus? The church's teaching about Jesus makes the cross sound like a condition of an unconditional love. I haven't been able to get around that either. I grew up in a mainline Protestant denomination and I'm clinging to membership in it even now, but I hear nothing said in church about unconditional love. Or of God's love for each of us. I hear a lot about Jesus. We sing to Jesus, we pray to Jesus, and we literally worship Jesus. It's painful. To me, God is the Head Honcho, the Big Cheese, and it is God Whom I worship. Jesus clearly had a very close relationship with God, a mystical relationship, and everything my Encounter taught me is confirmed in him. But I do not worship him.

And in all the church's emphasis on Bible study and mission, which are good, there is no guidance for people like me who seek to know God intimately, through experience. Up close and personal.

So the result of the activity on the first point is that God loves each of us absolutely, unconditionally, and extravagantly. God desires to have an intimate personal relationship with each of us. And, sadly, I am no longer at home in the tradition in which I grew up. I am not quite sure yet what I will do about that. When in doubt, wait, and I am waiting for the solution to come.

And it will, when I am ready for it.