Friday, May 2, 2008

Earhquakes, Jobs, and Other Changes

April was a busy month.

I survived the earthquake in Illinois. I started a job. I lost the job. I sort of have another job.

There isn't much to say about the earthquake. What can you say about that anyhow? You wake up, your bed is shaking, you don't hear a train going by. You know that if you get up you will feel even less secure; you're used to trains shaking your furniture, but it feels distinctly scary to have the ground trembling under your feet. You just lie there and hold your breath until it stops, then you heave a great sigh of relief and turn over and go back to sleep.

But there is a lot to say about jobs.

I wound up with two offers. One required a 57-mile one-way commute, the other a 10-mile one-way commute. I took the one with the short commute. I was invited to call the other place back if the job I took didn't work out.

Well, it didn't. It was a classic case of a "bad fit." Generally I can learn a job with sufficient training and practice and time. Those things weren't available for once. A corporation, as long as you show potential, will give you enough time; anywhere from three to six months is what it can take for you to learn a job. But this time, after a little over three weeks, with three hours of training and no experience or direct supervision, I was out.

I know the theories. You don't lose something until you no longer need it. You manifest it, you don't like it, and you decide to manifest again. I know all that. It still felt like I'd had something within my grasp and it was snatched away. It has been hard to deal with.

But it was not a good fit. When friends asked me how my job was going, I would say either "She hasn't fired me yet" or "It feels less strange every week." I was alone in a three-room office, and I felt cramped, confined. I am used to having people around me at work, and there was nobody there but me. I never said, "I don't like this," but I wasn't at peace with it. Even so, with more time and support I could have learned it, could have adjusted.

I'm not sorry I tried it. I guess some types of jobs aren't as learnable as I thought. I learned some things. Heard some interesting stories.

But I took the other place up on their invitation. I called them the next day. There is a place for me, but - as has been the history with this place - I don't know exactly when it will be available. Probably sometime this month, but precisely when is unsure right now. I am almost out of resources and I can only trust it will be sooner rather than later.

A cat, when it falls, will land on its feet. Maybe I have done that myself.

On the other hand, I face such an expensive commuting situation that I am seriously thinking of downsizing. A smaller place to live, lower rent, some of the utilities included in the rent. Losing the garage for my car, losing my lovely backyard that I have enjoyed watching the last year and a half, going back to an apartment. Again, the labor of moving.

But none of that seems as important as the spiritual growth I have experienced here in this tiny house. I am reluctant to leave here and go on to the kind of life I will have with a two-plus-hour drivetime every day and no backyard to come home to. Can I manage to stay in touch with the small moments that have taught me so much? Will my life be all hustle and bustle with no opportunity for the contemplative pursuits that feed me?

And beyond all of that, I have chosen to share my experiences and wisdom (such as they may be) on a full-time basis, somehow, and none of the jobs I agonize about seems to offer me any way to do that. Yet I believe my choices will come to pass. That remains an open question. I was wondering, for a few days, if that will actually happen, but now I am regaining my peace with it.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Calendar: March 17

While the rice is cooking, I will ponder this quote from the Dalai Lama: "In children, we find what is natural to be the human character. But as they grow up, they develop a lot of conditioning and wrong attitudes."

Aren't children something else? Frank. Honest. Trusting almost to a fault. Innocent. Spontaneous. Fulf of wonder and awe as they see this world, fascination with animals especially. And music. Children seem naturally drawn to music. They are creative with pencils and crayons too.

What in the world do we do to our children?

Have you noticed? When do they lose the wonder of the natural world? When do they lose that spontaneity? We have to train them for their own safety to be wary of strangers, and that is sad. And what about creativity? When did rules come into it? I'm not kidding. I've had piano students, beginners, eight years old mind you; when I asked them to make up a tune on just three notes, they were afraid to. What if it was wrong? Generally I would manage to coax them into giving it a try, and of course there was nothing wrong. But what has happened to the child who, three or four years before, was bursting with enthusiasm and ideas?

And we have all heard of the "child within." The childlike (not to be confused with childish) element in each of us. It's still there even in adults. I remember a spring afternoon - I won't tell you how old I was, but I was way past the "normal" age to take a volleyball, a low tree branch, and start "dunking" the ball over the branch. I had the time of my life! Most people in creative or artistic fields - I grew up as a music major - manage to remain more in tune with the inner child. It isn't always easy because we are supposed to be grown up. Whatever that means.

Fast-forwarding a number of years, some time later I worked with a young man who clearly did not want to grow up. He was in his mid-twenties, probably, and he thought life should be an endless game. Was he wrong? Or was he right? I've thought a lot about him. Maybe he had a point. I think his main issue was that he did not know when to be serious and when it was time to play.

Is that what the Dalai Lama meant by "wrong" attitudes? That as we grow up we forget to hold onto our inner child?

We do need to be our age. We do take on responsibilities; we don't have to agonize about it, but that is what life seems to be about. But can we choose our responsibilities? Not take on a family before we are ready to? Take jobs that we can like? How can we be "mature" and still enjoy life? How can we be responsible and still have time for the wonder of a glorious sunset, a concert by a mockingbird, the delicate flower petals that open up?

What is it that we do to our children, to ourselves, that we lose the wonder of life itself? One thing I have been working on this past year, though I wasn't thinking of it like this, is the waking up of my inner child. I have been rediscovering the beauty of small moments, taking more time to view sunsets and squirrels chasing each other and birds strutting around in my backyard.

My inner child is awake again. How about yours?

Friday, March 28, 2008

Commentary

There was an item on my home page today about a Dutch film that insults Islam, protests against the film, and so forth. Here we go again.

Or is it different this time?

The person who made the film did make inflammatory remarks.

On the other hand, though, to all the Muslims out there I would like to say this:

Your religion is being hijacked by extremists who are violent. There is no getting around that. You still see Christians in the light of events during the Crusades some 1,000 years ago, and frankly I admit that Christians did some horrendous things during those invasions of your lands. Surely you can understand that Westerners today, and Americans specifically, are seeing Islam in the light of terrorist attacks on innocent people. I'm not just talking about what happened on 9/12/01/. I'm talking about suicide bombers blowing up shoppers in marketplaces, suicide bombers blowing up worshippers at the mosques, Muslims raking school buses with gunfire and killing children. You can't expect us not to hate or fear your religion when we see these things being done in its name.

There are also stories of women being stoned or whipped for things like being outside the house without a male relative escorting them. We don't have such laws or such punishments in our culture, and frankly they don't make your religion look very attractive.

I would like to say first that I believe you are too easily offended about your religion. Any innocent act by someone unfamiliar with your cuture and religion can accidentally do something that offends Islam, and no offense was intended. You might be wise to consider lightening up.

Also I would like to say that if we express hatred or fear of your religion and that offends you, well, do something about it! Teach us whas true Islam is all about. If you believe your religion is loving and compassionate and peaceful, show us that by the way you live and by the way you treat strangers. Do everything in your power to oppose the extremists who are turning Islam into a religion of hatred and violence against innocent people. Don't just sit there and curse the people who don't understand; help us to understand.

We are all on this planet together, and we need to learn to understand each other. We need to live together. We need to work out our problems together, and shooting and bombing each other is not going to do that. But in order to talk together and work out our problems, we have to start by trying to understand each other.

Muslims, if you are willing to try that, so am I.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Hypocrisy? Or Hugely Bad Judgment?

It seems to happen all the time, doesn't it?

We have elected officials who campaign on family values and are cheating on their wives behind everyone's backs. We have elected officials who campaign on an anti-corruption platform and it turns out they accept as many favors as the people they have prosecuted.

Gov. Eliot Spitzer is only the most recent example. He made a name for himself as a crusader against corruption in business and government. It sounds like he was a hard-nosed, blunt, and ruthless crusader for What Is Right.

Now look at him.

What is it about public officials? Why do they make such an issue out of family values or corruption when they fail to live up to their own standards for others? Is it blatant hypocrisy? Is it arrogance? Is it simply bad judgment? Don't they realize what will happen to their families and career if they are caught? Or do they make so many enemies that someone sets out to trap them in their own weaknesses? How are we to know what really happens in these cases?

There is a great hue and cry calling for Gov. Spitzer to resign. If his effectiveness as governor is destroyed, then probably he might as well resign and rebuild his life as best he can.

Then on the other hand, is this worth the destruction of a man's career? In this age of kiss-and-tell, probably not. This is basically a personal mistake, not something that should impair his ability to function as governor of his state. It surely isn't worth impeaching him; the talk of impeachment shows how cynical and bloodthirsty this nation is today. We're like sharks circling a wounded person or animal in the sea. Anyone who ever makes any kind of mistake is fair game, and if he doesn't like being It he shouldn't be alive because anyone who is alive is vulnerable.

I note that the people who are nastiest toward Gov. Spitzer are the people who he was nasty to when he himself had the upper hand. Someone said once, "The person who hasn't committed any wrongs may cast the first stone."

Maybe we should all remember that.

That same someone also said, on another occasion, "Judge not, lest you be judged. For you will be judged the same way you judge others."

That is what is happening now to Gov. Spitzer. Next it will happen to some of the people who are calling for his impeachment. The shoe will be on the other foot again, the game will continue, and the band will keep on playing.

I want to be nasty too. The nerve of this man! He made such an issue out of corruption and then he turned out to be a human being like everyone else.

If he had used a less brutal style, he might have more friends today when he needs friends.

But what the heck. I don't have the right to cast the first stone either. I doubt that anyone does. We have the right to be upset, but let's keep partisan revenge out of it. That's one of the things that fractures our nation. Can we cool down and try to work for healing this time?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

It Is Too Sad To Be Funny

Am I the only person who wonders about the goings-on in the Middle East? Am I the only person who thinks that everyone over there, Islamic or Jewish, is literally in love with hatred?

Yesterday it was announced that the Palestinian peace talks were going to resume.

Why does it not surprise me that, almost immediately, someone shoots up a Jewish seminary and kills some people there? The attack had only one goal, it seems to me - to sabotage the planned peace talks. This appears to happen almost on schedule. Someone tries to revive a movement toward peace, and someone else immediately does something to derail it.

The rest of the world sits by, utterly befuddled and confused, with no idea of how to communicate, no idea of how to gain trust, no idea even of how to get us all on the same page.
And we achieve nothing toward peace, though we all think we desire peace. How is it that we desire peace but can do so little toward having it? Does anyone besides me wonder what isn't working in our world? Obviously something is not.

We shuttle back and forth, shooting guns with one hand and waving peace signs with the other hand. We scurry and bustle like ants whose hill has been run over with a lawnmower. It must be comical to a cosmic observer. (I'm not kidding. I once watched a documentary on the arms race in the Cold War and I could have laughed myself silly. We worked so hard to build weapons that would destroy our entire civilization, as though we had good sense.) We must be hilarious. Slapstick on Planet Earth!

But too much pain comes from it. (Of course, that is what most comedy and humor are based on.) Too many lives are lost. Too many other lives are irrevocably altered.

It is too tragic to be funny.

Monday, March 3, 2008

From No to Yes

After 18 months of upheaval - moving 800 miles, getting re-acquainted with my home town, and the continuing revision of my beliefs and spiritual priorities - I have finally reached a couple of milestones.

It is hard to keep going, to remain positive, when everywhere you turn there is a thundering NO! No, we aren't interested in the classes you want to offer us. No, we aren't going to hire you. No, the classes you wanted to take are cancelled because there aren't enough people in them. No, no, no, no!

Suddenly the sun comes up. The ghostly light gradually brightens into pink clouds and orange sun; light and shadow are now playing on the snow. The chorus is changing its text, now, and it is beginning to say Yes.

It almost amazes me that I have completed the first level of lay speaker training. I am not sure how I can use this, with my beliefs so far removed from official Christian doctrine. However, I have some ideas, and I have some things to say, and I think I can find ways to say them that get my point across without having to involve theological argument, which I have no background to do well in. I just talked with my pastor today about possibilities, and he sounded understanding and supportive. This opportunity is actually going to get tested.

And as I stand trembling on the brink of financial disaster, someone finally says to me, "We definitely want you to be part of our team." This job, at the moment, is a bird in the bush, not a bird in the hand, because lawyers have to finish the fine print in a contract between employer and customer before I am officially offered the job. I am hopeful that in the next week or two I will be getting ready to start working. So although the bird is still in the bush, my hand is poised over him ready to grab.

And as I continue to explore my new spirituality, I suppose that there will be more to come. There are still choices about lifestyle that are working out. But I should at least avoid the need to set up housekeeping in a box under the local bridge.

Yes. A short word. One syllable, three letters. But certainly, as the dark season of the year begins to wane and we begin to think of new life in spring, it is a welcome one.

Calendar: January 14 and February 1

After several weeks in which I became immersed in some Conversations With God books, I am finally back. As I work through some reflections on Walsch's writings, I will probably make some comments here. Today, though, I am going through calendar pages to start cleaning them off my computer desk.

The Dalai Lama quote for January 14 contains the statement that followers of the Buddha should take his life (the Buddha's, not the Dalai Lama's) as a model.

How I wish the Christian church would say that! I believe that one major tenet of Christianity is that Jesus shows God to us. There are a number of Christianity's tenets that give me problems; this one, however, is spot on. Jesus does show God to us.

What, then, does Jesus show us about God? He shows us that God accepts everyone who honestly seeks Him; we don't see stories where Jesus turned people away because they were the wrong color, had the wrong lifestyle, or believed the wrong things. He shows us that God cares about the marginalized; Jesus was normally found among tax collectors and sinners, not in the company of respectable people. He shows us that God would heal us, teach us, help us to live better lives.

Why doesn't the church teach us these things about God? And about how Jesus shows us these things about God? Why do we keep hearing about sin and salvation, about how Jesus is the only way to God, about the threat of hell if we fail to believe that Jesus was the biological son of God?

Those aren't the things Jesus told us about. Those aren't the things Jesus showed in his life.

If we can follow Jesus' teachings and example, loving and helping others, maintaining an intimate relationship with God as he did, we are truly Christians, aren't we? Isn't that what a follower of Jesus would do?

Moving on to another month, the page for February 1 says this: "When I consider the lack of cooperation in human society, I can only conclude that it stems from ignorance of our interdependent nature."

I would add to that, "Nor do we understand the natural world and our relationship to it."

The reason I want to say that is to spell it out: We are part of the natural world. This planet is part of the natural universe, and every living thing on it is part of the natural world. That includes us human beings.

And we had better learn, quickly, that we are interdependent with the rest of the natural world. We are not separate from nature; we cannot dominate it as though it were something external from us. We have dominated it for so long that we are now destroying our environment. Let's be up front about that. Our soil is disappearing, our soil (such as we have left) and air and water are all polluted, our food supply is polluted with chemicals, and every time we turn around there is another warning or news story about something that threatens us. We also have overpopulated the earth; the only reason we aren't standing elbow-to-elbow throughout all the continents is that we, in the absence of natural predators, prey on each other through war (which with today's technology offers more sources of pollution).

There is a theory held by some that the planet has decided we are vermin and must be gotten rid of. That is scary! Is it true? There isn't any way to really know. But we sure have found some awfully weird diseases in the past several years.

Gloom and doom? I hope not. But we need to wake up, stop arguing about non-issues and roll up our shirtsleeves.

A good beginning would be to heed the Dalai Lama's words. We are interdependent. What happens in Iraq affects something that happens in Alaska. What happens in Chicago can affect people in Chile. Let's understand that and become serious about healing our environment.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Book Review: Come Be My Light

Ever since I heard about this collection of Mother Teresa's letters, I have been eager to read it. While she lived, I found her fascinating and more than a little intimidating. I admired her devotion to the poor of India even as I knew that I was nowhere near that level of living myself. We all admired her. We all saw the humor and strength and dedication in the woman. One way we can judge her impact on us is the many different places in which she is mentioned; I just finished a book on leadership which gave her as an example in a couple of places.

Now we know just how tough she really was.

The letters and other writings were edited and commented upon by Brian Kolodiejchuk, a Roman Catholic priest who is working to persuade the church to name Mother Teresa a saint. The book is published by Doubleday. Incidentally, I found the commentary extremely helpful because the letters refer to things a Catholic might know (or might not) but a Protestant would not, and these things were explained and clarified for the reader.

The letters are presented in a fairly consistent chronological order, which gives the reader a brief view of the events of Mother Teresa's life. The book begins as she left her home to become a nun, follows her to India, shows her life there as a nun, and then follows the events that took her out of her original order (Sisters of Loreto) to found the Missionaries of Charity. We read about the beginning of her work with India's poor, its growth, Mother Teresa's own growing fame, and eventually of the decline of her health.

But the treasure of this book, to me, is that we can also follow her spiritual development. She had a period of mystical contact with Jesus, and during this period she received the call to take Jesus and his love to the poor of India. After that period, she lived the rest of her life with no mystical contact whatsoever.

As we read her letters, we follow the agony of that separation and her eventual acceptance of it, a process that required many years. Through all of it, she was determined to serve with a smile, and to give Jesus whatever he required, and to give it happily and without reservation. While she felt empty and dark within her soul, she was a beacon of that love for the rest of us, and we had no idea of what she was feeling.

As a sort-of mystic myself, I can only imagine what it would be like to have that union for a few months - and then have it removed from me. I haven't had such an experience, but I am sure such a loss would be devastating. It probably compares with losing the color in your TV set and watching everything in black and white. It may compare with losing your sense of smell, so that when you eat your food is virtually tasteless.

And Mother Teresa not only endured it, she transcended it, and with a style that most of us could only aspire to.

When I began reading, I admired her. When I finished, admiration had changed to love.

Come Be My Light is a fascinating book. Anyone interested in saints, nuns, mystics of our time or any time, biography or published letters would surely find it as absorbing as I did.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Calendar: January 2 and January 7

The quotation from the Dalai Lama for January 2 says that Buddhism is "more than a religion. It is a science of the mind." (That reminded me of Ernest Holmes, but I won't go there now.) And on January 7, the Dalai Lama made a reference to "Buddhist psychology."

I have, more than once, remarked that Jesus was a master psychologist. I have even had the courage to say that if you remove religion from your reading of his teachings, they sound a lot like psychology. When I say such a daring thing, most people look at me as though I had just gotten out of my Venusian spaceship.

Why are we so reluctant to acknowledge the link between religion and psychology? Whichever way you choose - the pastor's or the counsellor's - you will find increased self-knowledge, a greater degree of inner peace, and a stronger ability to understand and cope with life.

Jesus was a master psychologist. He told us to find ourselves by giving our lives to things larger than ourselves; isn't that good psychology? He told us to forgive over and over and not to hold grudges; don't we understand that it is healthy for us to do things like that? He told us to love our neighbor as ourselves; if we could do that, we would be able to make a better world.

I see no reason to deny that religion and psychology are related to each other. And I don't understand why people are so reluctant to recognize that connection. Religion and psychology are not mutually exclusive. They approach spiritual/mental health from different directions but they both guide you to it. And if you can find such health, surely that is important in itself; you're free to choose your path to it.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Calendar: January 1 and January 3

For my 2008 desk calendar, I bought a page-a-day collection of quotations by the Dalai Lama. I did this for two reasons: As much as I love cats, I needed a change from the pictures of cats on my 2007 calendar; and I was ready for a calendar that could give me a little food for thought.

My plan is that when the sayings push my buttons, I will do my thinking about it here. I haven't exactly made any resolutions, but I am determined to practice my writing and thinking skills, and this is a good place to do so.

Andrews McNeel Publishing is the publisher of the calendar, in case they need their "plug" here.

For January 1, the calendar says: "The whole point of transforming our heart and mind is to find happiness. We all have the natural desire to be happy and the wish to overcome suffering. This is a fact, so we can make it our starting point."

What that points out to me is that every human on this rock wants the same things. We want good lives, we want good health, we want material needs and maybe a few comforts besides, and we hope our children can have more of the same when they are adults.

That being said, I will make my best effort this year to realize, whenever I disagree with somebody or really and truly dislike and disrespect someone, that the other person and I still agree about more things than we disagree about. There is someone I will see tonight, in fact, who is lacking in discipline in a way that affects the way she will run the two rehearsals I'm going to attend. My frustration has gotten to the point that I began praying for her for about a month ago. Clearly, she provides one place where I can apply my new insight.

If we could recognize our commonalities, and learn to tolerate our differences, this would be a different world - in our communities, our nation, and the whole planet. I have no influence over those folks in the Middle East who seem to thrive on intolerance and violence. But I can work on it myself. And I will.

The page for January 3 goes on about happiness. I am not going to try to quote it fully, but it says that the key to happiness is inner peace and the greatest obstacles to that are the negative emotions of anger, fear, and suspicion. Any negative emotion, I presume, would become such an obstacle; the possibilities are not limited to the ones he mentioned. The Dalai Lama goes on to say that love, compassion, and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.

I think love and compassion go together; a sense of universal responsibility could very easily be part of the package also. We are losing the idea that we live in a community; it's one for all and one for all now. All for one and one for all is disappearing. We can do whatever we desire, and we have the right to do it just because we can, and that ends the discussion. Whether it causes needless hurt, whether it destroys, whether it harms the larger community - none of that matters any more. To give up something you would like, or honestly believe you deserve, for someone else? Even for the whole community? Funky!

But then, if we all desire the same things for ourselves and our children, can we not give up some things for them? Can we change our driving habits, for instance, to try to help the environmental issues concerned with our gasoline emissions? Or do we think that's what other people need to do, but not us?

So what I conclude after pondering these two quotations from the Dalai Lama, a man whom I deeply respect, is not especially earth-shattering or brilliant, but we can't say it too often.

We are all in this together. It is time for us to understand that and act on it.